I looked up at the wall behind the door in awe and excitement, as butterflies danced in my stomach. It was only a regular sized floor to ceiling office wall, but to me it was 10-story building. As my eyes drew higher, I was met with photos of gorgeous dancers, some were showing off their washboard abs, had haircuts that I only saw in editorial magazines and all had that look of confidence in their eyes that said they’d made it. They were the agency’s professional dancers and the women that I had always wanted to be. All year I had been dreaming about what it would be like to have my photo up on that wall. To be next to all the dancers I’d idolized. Watching them perform with chart topping artists, in major commercial musicals, dancing at fashion shows etc. I’d been working my butt off in my full-time dance program all year and was desperate to have my photo on that agency wall. And now finally it was my turn – I got signed!! This was my first agent! The agent with every amazing and beautiful dancer in town!
My photos/headshots had been taken a few weeks back and had arrived. Was a thrilled? BEYOND. In preparation for my photos, I got bangs for a more commercial look, put in extra hrs at the gym, and gave my porcelain skin some help with multiple layers of self-tan. Hair, tan, body, ‘fierce’ look in my eye. NAILED IT! #smug. I could see it now, envisioning putting on my chorus heels for opening night of THE PRODUCERS on tour. Glittery daydream Montage interrupted….
‘Let’s see them,’ my now agent (EEEPPP!) said as he indicated to the slightly damp paper bag in my sweaty hand. After all this was this biggest thing to happen to my 18-year-old self in my dancing career up to this point. #Nervous. ‘Fresh off the press’, I responded in a way too eager and slightly intimidated tone as I handed him the pictures. ‘Exciting’, he said as he proceeded to look at my printed shots. It was all smiles. ‘So now we have to find a spot for you on the wall’. This was it, my glittery montage began to return…..
Ahh! IT’S SO GREAT, isn’t it!! (glittery montage interrupted again) My agent exclaimed as his attention wiped around to the front door and through his arms around a figure I couldn’t quite see. At that moment, Sally, a friend of mine who was also a new client of the agency walked through the door. ‘I know, it’s got my name written all over it’! Sally responded grinning from ear to ear. I had no idea what they were talking about but I knew that the excitement was defiantly not about my photos - as they were no longer in my agent’s hand but had fallen onto the floor. He turned to me, ‘Sally is up for a major part in a new film that’s filming in Byron Bay!’ He said through fits of cheers and jazz hands. ‘That’s so fantastic, congratulations!’ I responded, truly happy for her.! My agent handed Sally the script, goodbyes were said and the energy in the room shifted back to my photos as I picked them up off the floor, although I couldn’t say the same for my confidence.
‘Right, where were we?’ he asked. ‘The wall, my photos’ I said. Slightly dazed, by all the commotion. ‘That’s so exciting about Sally’, I reiterated. ‘I can’t wait to audition for those kinds of projects’. He turned to me with a blank look, then started to laugh, ‘Oh let’s face it honey, you’ll never be the bathing beauty on the beach’. ‘Ah, there’s a spot, he continued. Shock and confusion came over me. What had just transpired? My body, motionless but my mind began to race. Was he insulting my looks? body? talent? All of the above? (Remember, 18 years old). In my haze of now offense, he pointed to a tiny white patch of wall in the bottom left-hand corner, behind the door. ‘There, that’s got your name on it’, and he stuck my photo to the wall. ‘Perfect’ he said, pleased. I looked at my photo up there, it was finally there, the moment I’d dreamed of. But as I looked at the once 10 feet wall, all I felt was small. I looked back as my ‘then’ agent and he looked small too.
In a roundabout (and very inappropriate) way he was right. Side note, if any industry ‘professional’ speaks to you like, take your photos and dignity out the door! I had been trying so hard to fit in and be like the other girls on the wall, cutting my hair, moulding my body, tanning my skin – that I wasn’t really ‘me’ anymore. Don’t change yourself to get an agent, change your agent to be yourself.